Should I commit suicide? Do my parents love me? If they don’t, should I let this affect me?
I know this question may seem trivial to some people, but do really love my parents. So it hurts every time they call me stuff like ‘immature’, ‘lazy’ and ‘bad’ when I am trying my best.
This is what made me feel this way today:
I gave my mom the financial aid application and I had the intention of asking her some information to fill out her part and my part–but somehow she thought that doing it herself would be quicker.
Since tomorrow was the priority deadline (not official, since it is early action and tax hasn’t been collected for 2009 yet), I was thinking that everything was okay, and that it wouldn’t take that much to finish it quickly. However, I was wrong. I clearly saw that I am at fault, and I feel bad about it. The only thing was that I was only notified by the university the weekend before the deadline that I had to submit the PROFILE tomorrow through an e-mail, there was no indication in their application checklist that I had to finish that. Thus, I wasn’t able to get a head start to it. Though I would understandably know why she may cal me ‘immature’, ‘selfish’, and ‘lazy’, it’s been happening all the time, and not only in this incident.
In school, on the other hand, I am the ‘responsible’ one. I am the type who studies 4-6 hours a day, sacrifices my Saturdays studying, and studying at least 5 hours for a quiz and 10-15 hours for an exam. I am also active in terms of extracurricular, joining the Junior Achievement program in my city and contributing significantly to our group’s science project (where we make our own experiment and present it to the school). Though I may have a bad habit of procrastination sometimes, I still manage to get everything done by the deadline.
In everything I do, I try to put my best effort. I am not the smartest kid my parents would want, since I get mid 80s to high 80s at best, I take a demanding course load (all honors except Chemistry IB, Physics, Calculus and Latin.. making it a total of 7 subjects this year. However, I took all honors/IB in prior years). I’m an honors student. I’ve won awards displaying my hard work in school. Many of my teachers and classmates commend me for that.
But my parents still think I’m lazy, immature and bad. They think that I have evil intentions every time I do something. For example, concerning the financial aid application, my mom said I ‘lied’ when I told her that the preliminary stage was it,.. that’s what I thought too!! It’s my first time doing a financial aid application and my counselor knows nothing about financial aid, so I’m at a disadvantage. I didn’t know that she had to put everything we spent in that application, I’m new to the process too. Furthermore, she said her side of the story. I am dissapointed when parents don’t hear the children’s side of the story. As long as the parent said it, that’s it! Because of this, I don’t feel loved. I have a younger brother who plays video games all the time, does not do his chores, and gets 60’s-70’s in school and they talk to him more than me. Sometimes I feel like it’s because of me. Maybe they don’t love me. Maybe they wish it was just my brother that existed. That’s why I’ve been thinking about suicide lately. Recently, I’ve felt like I’ve been the reason for my mom’s misery. She always complains when I let her read my essay, saying that I’m a ‘bad writer’ and that I don’t deserve to graduate from Grade 12 English (I have an 84 in English Honors btw). I think my parents have really high expectations for me, and I feel like that if I don’t fulfill those expectations, both my dreams and their dreams for me will die. They try to reassure me that it doesn’t matter, but there’s that unseen pressure. My mom always talks about California, how she wants to move their eventually when I go to my ideal school there. Thing is, I don’t know if I’ll get accepted to my ideal school.
Maybe they’ll be happier when I’m dead. Maybe all their problems will be solved if I just didn’t live anymore. Every second of my life seems to bring more hurt to them, how can I stop it? Weary myself to death from starvation and overwork? Perhaps fainting from exhaustion while walking home in the blistering snow, where no one can notice? Dying in the cold? Maybe. I just need to know if they love me.